Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pants on the Ground

One afternoon this off-season my husband declared he'd had enough. Nearly ten years of marriage and he just couldn't take it anymore. His exact words were

Will you please pull your pants up!?!

I just smiled at him and moved on, because I was doing all I could.

I had my belt on for crying out loud.

Later, I was reclining on the couch, reading the paper and I felt someone staring at me. I looked up to see my sweet man, leering over me, swinging an old phone charger cord. I was pretty sure he wasn't getting ready to strangle me, but I relaxed a little when he said

Stand up, I'm gonna measure you.

Well, sure you are honey. I'm sure that's exactly what Vera Wang uses in a pinch.

He "measured" my waist, my hips, my legs, my knees and my bust. The last one was purely for him.

Silly boy.

After calculating all of his very precise measurements and lots of deep sighing he came to a startling realization.

I was missing six inches in the booty department.

Stop laughing.

Most jeans have a difference of approximately 10 inches between the waist and the largest part of the hips.

I have four.

Which totally explains the parking lot incident.

Ready for this one? I was taking all three gals in for groceries and knew I needed a cart. So I had a baby on each hip and Lainey holding my back jean pocket.

It was a fool-proof plan.

Until she tripped.

And pulled them down.

Which wouldn't have been a big deal except my panties went with them.

And I couldn't pull them up, because of said baby in each arm.

It's at this point that I would like to sincerely apologize to the mama walking behind us. Thank you for giggling quietly. Forgive me for mooning you. And your child. I hope you shielded her eyes from the glare. Here's hoping we never meet again. Ever.

I digress.

When my hubby gets something in his head, he doesn't relax until he knows everything about the subject. He researched inseams, pocket placement, proper measurement and things I didn't even know mattered. For a few days, I would find random pairs of pants lying on the bathroom floor where he had measured them.

And clearly forgotten to put them away.

I then knew he was completely serious when he mentioned a four letter word.


For the record, in the twins entire first year of life we had been to the mall as a family exactly zero times.

So off we went. First stop, Chik-fil-A. Second stop, Macy's.

I tried on more jeans than I care to mention, but miracle upon miracles, there was a certain brand that FIT. I nearly shouted with joy. Until I saw the price tag. And then I teared up.

Those stinkin' dressing rooms can be such an emotional roller coaster.

But, what I didn't realize was this was purely research. My man had a plan.

It's called ebay.

So no more saggy bottom drawers for this mama. I am now the proud owner of three pairs of proper fitting jeans.

But I still wear a belt.

One can never be too careful.


  1. I am laughing sooooo hard that I am crying!!!!!!!!! Funniest blog EVER!!!!!!!!!!

  2. now that is love... an act of service... and what a story! I am still laughing (and can picture his determination to get you the right fit jeans... ;)

  3. Oh my goodness, this made me laugh so hard! I don't really feel sorry for you since I have the opposite problem :) but this is one of the funniest things I've read in a looooong time!

  4. LOOOOOOVE IT!!!!!!! Write a book please. Oh, and what are those jeans, (name brand, please). I clearly need a pair as well.

  5. Girls, glad to give you a giggle. Wish I had exaggerated a little, but alas, I did not.
    Jamie, they are Sevens and the funny thing is Yvonne Z told me years ago that i should get a pair bc they would "change my life".
    I just couldn't imagine paying full price, but I'd never tried them on either.

  6. Oh my, there are no words. I am laughing out loud and I don't care who hears me. There is probably some security video and this will end up on YOUTUBE and we will all say, hey, we know her, that's Jessie Green!

  7. Jess....Sevens are one of the only brand that fit my behind well too! You are just the funniest and I think you should definitely write some sort of book. You would have lots of readers and we would all be in stitches! Love ya mama!

  8. jess this is a hoot... but now you have a permeant item on your christmas list!

  9. *giggles*

    What a great post!

    And what a great husband to do all that research and finding for you! :)


  10. Your mama told me this story and I about fell out of the booth at the restaurant. Pretty sure I was cackling more loudly than was polite, but I couldn't help it. So glad to get to hear about your adventures, your blog is certainly my favorite!!!

  11. Seriously laughing so hard. I love when I come to your blog and you have a new post - it makes my day!

  12. My mother in law told me I had to read your blog right away so I pulled it up and Aaron and I read it together - laughing so hard my stomach hurts. I heard Reader'ss Digest is having a "funniest family" contest where you could win a cash prize - you should definitely go check out their website and submit this - I am quite confident it'd win. I may even not bother putting in my own stories 'cause I don't think I can compete with this.
    Tell your mom this reminds me of her story of tucking her skirt into her pantyhose and walking all through the airport and amidst her fellow flight members before someone told her - then she had to ride on a plane for several hours with people she'd just flashed - thank goodness you didn't have to have a long experience with those who witnessed the event. LOL

  13. I don't have multiples, I have 5 under the age of 5. A couple weeks ago I was walking across the parking lot in our usual manner; 2 in the stroller, 2 holding onto the sides of the stroller and 1 holding onto my back pocket and he was the one who tripped. I admit I left him sitting in a puddle as I tried to pull my pants back up, trying not to turn around and face the row of treadmiles that faced the windows behind me. Haha. Oh the adventure.