As a mom, there are certain tidbits of wisdom that I feel I must pour into my children. Important truths like wash your hands, don't eat yellow snow and try not to lick the clean silverware as you unload it from the dishwasher.
Please.
But in my five years and three months of (s)mothering I'm beginning to see that I have barely scratched the surface.
I was kinda hoping common sense would have kicked in by now.
Is that too much to ask of three year olds?
Or their five year old sister?
Don't answer that.
Lately I find myself sharing little nuggets of wisdom after the incidents have occurred.
Which is not really ideal.
For example:
Darlin', if sister has put a jump rope around her neck because she thinks she's a horse DON'T PULL BACK ON THE REINS!
Please.
But in my five years and three months of (s)mothering I'm beginning to see that I have barely scratched the surface.
I was kinda hoping common sense would have kicked in by now.
Is that too much to ask of three year olds?
Or their five year old sister?
Don't answer that.
Lately I find myself sharing little nuggets of wisdom after the incidents have occurred.
Which is not really ideal.
For example:
Darlin', if sister has put a jump rope around her neck because she thinks she's a horse DON'T PULL BACK ON THE REINS!
She enjoys breathing.
And I enjoy watching her breathe.
Or this one, which happens to be a two-parter:
And I enjoy watching her breathe.
Or this one, which happens to be a two-parter:
A) Sweetheart, it's not a great idea to stick any appendages into a pencil sharpener.
Ever.
B) If you should happen to disregard the above advice and find yourself with an appendage in said sharpener, for the love,
B) If you should happen to disregard the above advice and find yourself with an appendage in said sharpener, for the love,
DON'T TURN THE DARN THING.
(How long, on average, does it take for a fingernail to grow back?)
(I'm just curious.)
(And so is Anna.)
But the real doozy happened a few weeks ago.
The girls and I were headed out toMcDonald's for a diet coke* the library. As I grabbed the handle to the driver's side door I noticed some new scratches.
Pretty quickly I realized it was quite a large scratch and I sighed loudly before muttering
Ah man! Somebody scratched my door. Stink!
No sooner than those words came out of my mouth did my little innocent five year old say
Yeah, but at least it's a pretty heart.
And then she and her gangly legs climbed into the van and made their way to the back.
Oh crap.
I took a step back to examine the scratches and sure enough, there was a heart.
Not only was it Cupid's favorite shape, but it was most definitely done by my gal.
I knew this of course, because I am very intuitive.
That and Lainey is still working on hearts. She tends to round off the bottom instead of making a point.
Kinda like this:
See? She's totally getting better. Some of those are correct.
Kinda wish she had stuck to practicing on paper.
But then, it's not like I ever said to her
Hey kiddo, it's kinda frowned upon** to scrape paint off a vehicle with a rock. No matter how artistically gifted you may be.
{Sigh}
So now, I'm working on a list. A comprehensive lineup, if you will of things that I need to get into my little people's brains before they harm themselves and/or others.
1) Always use the provided paper toilet covers in public restrooms.
2) Start working on your squats (see above).
3) If a trampoline is missing a leg or two, don't jump on it.
(How long, on average, does it take for a fingernail to grow back?)
(I'm just curious.)
(And so is Anna.)
But the real doozy happened a few weeks ago.
The girls and I were headed out to
Pretty quickly I realized it was quite a large scratch and I sighed loudly before muttering
Ah man! Somebody scratched my door. Stink!
No sooner than those words came out of my mouth did my little innocent five year old say
Yeah, but at least it's a pretty heart.
And then she and her gangly legs climbed into the van and made their way to the back.
Oh crap.
I took a step back to examine the scratches and sure enough, there was a heart.
Not only was it Cupid's favorite shape, but it was most definitely done by my gal.
I knew this of course, because I am very intuitive.
That and Lainey is still working on hearts. She tends to round off the bottom instead of making a point.
Kinda like this:
See? She's totally getting better. Some of those are correct.
Kinda wish she had stuck to practicing on paper.
But then, it's not like I ever said to her
Hey kiddo, it's kinda frowned upon** to scrape paint off a vehicle with a rock. No matter how artistically gifted you may be.
{Sigh}
So now, I'm working on a list. A comprehensive lineup, if you will of things that I need to get into my little people's brains before they harm themselves and/or others.
1) Always use the provided paper toilet covers in public restrooms.
2) Start working on your squats (see above).
3) If a trampoline is missing a leg or two, don't jump on it.
Trust me.
4) If you're intrigued by an infomercial, check with your dad, he probably already has it in the garage***.
5) Violence is never the answer.
6) If a boy tries to kiss you, hit him.
7) The warnings on super glue are incredibly accurate. And flammable.
8) While some cheese is supposed to be moldy, most of it is not.
9) When someone yells heads up, your best bet is to duck for cover.
10) Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
Maybe comprehensive is a slight exaggeration.
Let's say it's a work in progress.
Just like my sweet girls.
The end.
4) If you're intrigued by an infomercial, check with your dad, he probably already has it in the garage***.
5) Violence is never the answer.
6) If a boy tries to kiss you, hit him.
7) The warnings on super glue are incredibly accurate. And flammable.
8) While some cheese is supposed to be moldy, most of it is not.
9) When someone yells heads up, your best bet is to duck for cover.
10) Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
Maybe comprehensive is a slight exaggeration.
Let's say it's a work in progress.
Just like my sweet girls.
The end.
_________________________________
*We were actually going to the library. There just happens to be a McD's on the way. Which has large cold caffeinated beverages for a dollar. Which is like getting it for free.
**Did anyone think of a certain (awesome) tv show when they read this? Just me? Huhn.
***My handsome husband does not actually have lots of tv gadgets in the garage. I just give him a hard time about the juicer. That we've never opened. Thanks alot Ronco.
This post is now linked up with Kelly's Korner, Moms of all Girls
